☕ The Gift of Listening: Meet for Coffee, Egg Tarts, or Zoom
"I don't think we give the gift [of silence] much anymore. I'm very concerned that our society is much more interested in information than wonder, in noise rather than silence." - Mr. Rogers
Good conversations are alchemy. Good conversation shoot sparks. Good conversations change lives. Maybe not immediately, but over time they do. Good conversations plant new seeds in the gardens of our minds. I think good conversations are made from a few basic ingredients: curiosity, attention, and vulnerability.
I didn’t understand this for a long time, probably because I didn’t make an effort to be a good listener.
I’m sure you know the feeling: you’re in a conversation, talking, and your counterpart stops listening. You can see the impatience painted all over their face. They are no longer listening but waiting — waiting for you to finish, waiting to speak. You can feel the tension build in their body.
Annoying right? Like, why even keep talking? Why share from the heart when you’re not being heard? How can you be in flow when you’re already bracing yourself for the response about to be unleashed?
Yeah, that used to be me (still is, sometimes).
I’d either sit there trying to hold a thought or, worse, jump in and interrupt. I used to excuse it as a symptom of undiagnosed ADHD. There’s probably a kernel of truth to that, but there was a lot more going on. I had an unfulfilled urge to be heard, I made excuses for a bad habit, I didn’t cultivate stillness in my life, and, surprise, I felt insecure.
Writing helped with the urge to be heard but it didn’t fix the nagging insecurity. I struggled with a loop of self-critical thinking: What am I bringing to the table? What jokes or stories am I contributing? How can I entertain this person? How do I make them like me?
This is a very self-centered way to be in conversation. A first glance, it’s about the other person, but it’s really all about me. How can I feel liked, admired, respected, smart, etc. How do I avoid feeling insecure, unheard, anxious, … It’s all me, me, me.
I had it all backward. People didn’t care about my brilliant ideas. No, they already had their own. They just wanted to hear themselves talk. I kid, I kid. But… also kind of true.
Of course, people are interested in you. But even if you are the world’s most interesting person, the most captivating storyteller, they are still more interested in themselves. If you are fully present and interested in them, you’ve won half the battle. (The other half is being interested in life, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and mastering your mind — to find inner stillness and distance to your thoughts such that you can direct your attention with intention.)
Being fully present with your undivided attention is an invaluable gift. Instead of jumping into every pause, you create space for your the other person to go deeper. The conversation can enter a flow state that leads to unexpected ideas and revelations. You stop thinking about how to respond. You know the right words will simply emerge. You stop thinking altogether. Conversational flow leads to inner stillness.
As Mr. Rogers once put it in conversation with Charlie Rose:
Charlie Rose: Who's made a difference in your life?
Fred Rogers: A lot of people who have allowed me to have some silence. And I don't think we give that gift very much anymore. I'm very concerned that our society is much more interested in information than wonder. In noise rather than silence. How do we encourage reflection?
I have a little plaque beside my chair upstairs in the office that says, What is essential is invisible to the eye. … the older I get, the more important I know that is. Because what we see is rarely what is essential. What's behind your face is what's essential. I want to learn how to be the best receiver that I can ever be. Because I think graceful receiving is one of the most wonderful gifts we can give anybody.
The gift of your full attention unlocks what is important, what lies behind the mask and under the surface. And all it takes is some willpower and effort. All it takes is genuine intention.
An offering
Regular readers know I’ve offered coffee here in the city. I decided to change the format and open one afternoon a week to conversations either in person here in New York or via Zoom (starting with Monday afternoons).
For NYC locals or visitors: we will get a coffee/tea around the corner (and/or a pastry at my neighborhood bakery, Butterdose), walk by the park, and stop by my place for a few minutes of sound meditation (I will play singing bowls or the gong). That way, we both get to practice our listening skills and enjoy a contrast to the flow of words — a moment of silence and ethereal cosmic sounds.
For everyone else: we can meet via Zoom and talk about whatever is on your mind.
The requirement, other than being a paying subscriber, is to bring your full self to the conversation. I am curious where you are in the maze of your life, and what kind of stuff you’re wrestling with.
If you are open to it, we can get into money-focused parts work. I am drafting a piece about this but basically, it is an exploration of the often contradictory beliefs we hold and how they steer our lives.
Signing up:
There is a link at the end for a form to add your name and email to a spreadsheet.
I periodically visit the spreadsheet and send the next batch of people an email and calendly link.
I use this two-step process because the sign-up form contains a number of prompts. I admit that this is a bit of a personal obsession — I love prompts. And for a good reason: they offered invaluable trailheads in past conversations. Which is why I’ve added more of them to the sheet. You don’t need to fill them all out! Pick a few that speak to you and a few that make you uncomfortable. Examine the questions you’d rather avoid — that’s where the treasure of transformation is buried.
Oh, and think of a book/podcast/essay/poem/movie/quote/whatever to share. Anything that created an aha moment or stuck with you for years, anything that passed through the filter of time and feels worth sharing with the world.
I look forward to chatting 🙏